Girlfriends

A "just because" photo because it's pretty, and because I was too busy chatting this morning to snap a picture! / Source

I had a breakfast date this morning with one of my new-but-feels-old friends. Do you have any girlfriends like that, someone you feel like you've known a lot longer than you actually have? We clicked pretty much the first time we met and even though we've spent time in person together maybe only a dozen times, I feel so comfortable around her and love that we can confide in and support each other. Oh, and she lives in Charlottesville! And her husband is best friends with my husband! It's all too good to be true.

In my life, to be honest, I've tended to undervalue the importance of female friendship. I've always been really happy doing things on my own and prefer to have several really great friends as opposed to a bunch of them. Those preferences are still true for me but mornings like this one remind me never to take friendship for granted, remind me of how soul-nourishing friendship is. It's not just an extra or a bonus but rather a crucial part of a well-rounded life. Women need other women, don't you think? I left the bagel shop feeling refreshed and renewed and happy (and photo-less--too busy gabbing!).

Anyway, before I totally embarrass my friend if she's reading this, I'll close this quick little ode to friendship by saying that I'm slowly but surely learning my lesson. I really believe that I'm entering a richer season of life as far as friendship goes. So far in my mid-twenties I've become so so close to one of my sisters-in-law, and feel indescribably blessed to call her one of my best friends. I've met kindred spirits through this blog and have even gotten together with a few in person (and hope to meet more of you in person!). I've connected with women of faith and women who value marriage and families the way I do. I'm surprised by all of this in the best way possible. I don't take it for granted, and I hope I never do.

Body Image

This is a post I've been mulling over for awhile, trying to find the right words. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Image Source

Girls, and women, are notoriously concerned about how they look. Aren't we?

Of course, I'm guilty of this. I complain about breakouts and bad hair days and ask my husband to weigh in on my outfits to make sure they flatter my figure. I get self-conscious, I feel embarrassed about blemishes, I worry about how other people will perceive me. A lot of that is just being a normal human (or at least a normal woman) and can't really be helped too much. It's fairly innocuous and I don't think it's damaging to complain to a girlfriend about frizzy summer hair. (Although it's good to be self-aware and not get too vain about it.)

When this behavior becomes dangerous, however, is when we really start putting ourselves down, when we really start criticizing our own bodies. This has always bothered me and worried me. It upsets me to hear my friends complain about how they look if it's not something temporarily "abnormal," like a skin thing. When they complain about their legs or their stomach or their nose--it's sad and I always try to discourage it and tell them they're lovely as they are.

In this way (in endless ways, really) I'm so grateful for my mom. We learn so much about femininity and womanhood by watching our mothers, whether we are consciously doing it or absorbing it subliminally. I've seen a few things online recently that have made me think--"Wait! Stop! You're a grown woman, you're a mother. You can't be criticizing your body like that! If you're doing it, your daughters will." I feel so blessed because my mother was the absolute best example for me. She rarely wore makeup and had a very simple beauty routine, and she always looked (and looks) natural and feminine and pretty. She only just recently starting getting a bit of color in her hair and growing up, I never heard her put herself down and she never seemed to lack confidence about her appearance. She was and is happy in her skin, in her body, with what God blessed her with.

Most girls are predisposed to be critical toward the way they look. We need our mothers to be strong examples of what it means to be confident and accepting of our bodies. When we have children we need to be mothers who are that strong example.

Of course, I'm not suggesting we throw our cares to the wind and stop thinking about appearance altogether. I love feeling put together and I like my mascara and a touch of caramel in my hair every few months. The thing to remember, I think, is that these are only enhancements of our already-existing beauty. You don't "need" highlights because your natural hair color is "mousy"--if I had a nickel for each time I've heard that I would have a lot of nickels! Let's rebel against that. It's perfectly ok to get highlights, but they're just that. Highlights, refreshers, pick-me-ups. They don't make you beautiful.

(It goes without saying, I think, that staying fit is certainly important, but mostly because it's the healthy way to live and it will make you feel good and strong, not because it will make you look a certain way.)

You have only one body to take you through this life. You got it from your mom and your dad and it's brought you this far, hasn't it? Treat it well and appreciate it. It sustains you and can perform miracles and it's beautiful, believe me.

I'm Doing Just Fine

Scene from yesterday: a billowing curtain and fresh April air.

Sometime last week, I was having a bad day. I was discouraged and getting worked up and not feeling super happy. On that same day, my mom sent me this WSJ article called, "Advice For A Happy Life." My bad day and the timing of her email had nothing to do with each other--purely coincidental--and my mom meant nothing other than to send me an article she knew I'd like. But I do remember reading just the title and thinking--ok good, yes, this is what I need to read right now. What am I doing wrong?! Why aren't things going according to plan?! I'm not having a happy time of things right now, and maybe it's my fault. I need this advice!

And then I read the article and realized, I'm doing just fine.

Here are the author's five pieces of very wise advice for leading a happy life:


Consider marrying young.

Learn how to recognize your soul mate.

Eventually stop fretting about fame and fortune.

Take religion seriously.

Watch "Groundhog Day" repeatedly.


Here I was, thinking I was going to get a very welcome spiel on not taking yourself so seriously, focusing on the present and choosing to let tomorrow's worries go, learning how to laugh in the face of difficulties. After all, that's usually how these kinds of articles go and honestly, I would have been all ears had this been the advice. My fears were getting in the way of my happiness that day, and I suppose I wanted some justification that I was unhappy for good reason. I suppose I wanted to be told that if I can only laugh at myself, I'll feel better. I wanted to be told that these thoughts were normal but ten deep breaths would go a long way toward feeling peace. I guess I wanted this article to sympathize with me and then provide a quick fix.

But this article wasn't fluff. It was wise and honest and true. And it provided me with something much more valuable than justification and some flimsy pick-me-ups. It made me realize, I'm doing just fine.

I don't know what my one-year plan looks like, let alone my five-year plan, but I've got a husband and he's going through every step with me and we're going to look back on this time of not knowing and be so glad for the richness and the lessons and the love in these early years of our marriage.

I don't have control over a lot of the things my heart desires, but I've found my soul mate. My heart has found its resting place and even on days it feels heavy, my heart isn't lost. It belongs.

Wondering how successful I will be as a piano teacher and a musician and an artist scares me, and I don't know what my niche in the creative world will be just yet. Thank goodness I never cared about fame and fortune! I was talking with one of my students last week about when we are planning to move, and he told me that things just won't be the same without me. We started his lessons the same month he relocated to Alabama with his family so he's seen me every week for the whole time he's lived here. It was so touching and helped me to remember that if I can influence and inspire even just one young pianist, I'm doing ok.

I have so much to learn about faith and trust and godliness but I am 100% committed to the discovery. And I'm realizing that God teaches us so much through our trials, I need only be open to what He is trying to show me.

I've only seen "Groundhog Day" once, but I've got time on my side.

A Chat About Marriage

I've been thinking about one particular aspect of marriage for the past few days, trying to sort it out in my mind. Maybe you can help.

The one person who sees you at your very worst is the same person who loves you more than anyone else in the world.

How does that work?!

But it's true, isn't it? My husband sees me at my worst. I don't just mean first thing in the morning, sans makeup, or when my cheeks were the size of balloons after getting my wisdom teeth out (I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd run away from me screaming, it was that horrible). I mean that he sees my faults, my flaws, the weaknesses and gaps in my character that make me human and vulnerable. He sees me when I'm petty, when I'm feeling sorry for myself, when I'm afraid. He sees it all. Yet he loves me completely and fully and with grace and humor and forgiveness.

Sounds an awful lot like the kind of love that comes down from the heavens, does it not?

I believe that's what marriage is and I think it's why it works. Ultimately, we are meant to love our spouses as God loves us. Of course we can never match His love. But it is when we strive for godliness in our marriages, when we serve and put away selfishness and offer up our hearts and forgive over and over, that's when marriage is ultimately fulfilling and good.

I read a bunch of books on marriage when I was engaged and the main thing I gleaned from my reading and studying was that I wanted to be a godly wife. The kind of wife who has the strength to surrender her ego for the good of her family. The kind of wife who never embarrasses her husband in front of others. The kind of wife who doesn't dominate or control or demand, but is respectful and sincere and calm and graceful. The kind of wife who accepts her husband and forgives his faults and prays for him continuously, who gives of herself generously. A strong, loving, beautiful wife.

Ok, typing that makes me realize I still have a lot of work to do. I'm sure I'll always have work to do. But to me, this is the path to loving my husband the best I possibly can. And I believe it's the path to a true and good and wholesome and intensely rewarding marriage.

(Taking silly photos together never hurts, either.)

Interfaith

Icon Image Source

During my freshman year of college, I took a seminar class with a lovely, brilliant, soft-spoken older woman. She introduced us to people like Simone Weil and Thomas Merton and Rumi, and she was one of the best professors I've had.

Toward the end of the semester, she invited our class over to her home for homemade soup and salad and bread. Our class was small and we all participated a lot so we had gotten to know each other pretty well by this point. As we were about to fill our plates and bowls, my professor gathered us, looked right at me and said, "Kate, will you lead us in grace before we eat?"

And I completely froze. I'm fairly reserved and was a little caught off guard by the unexpected attention but it was more than that. I assumed she was asking me to say the traditional Catholic grace (after all, I went to a Catholic university and I believe everyone in that class but me was Catholic) and I didn't know the words. I sort of gave a little desperate glance to a friend of mine in the class and he took the hint and saved me by volunteering.

But what was beautiful and surprising and something I still remember to this day is that he didn't say the Catholic grace I was expecting. He closed his eyes and said, Dear Lord. He began to thank Him for the bountiful food and our classmates and the professor who guided us throughout the semester and the wisdom and knowledge we all absorbed. It was short and sweet but it was a profound moment, for me at least. Not that there would have been anything the matter with him choosing to lead us in Catholic grace, of course. I just loved that he decided to speak from his own heart in that moment with words he made up as he went. That he chose to pray in the most non-denominational way he possibly could, and that there was nothing about it that each one of us in the room wouldn't be able to connect with. It was simpler this way. A group of 18-year-olds, our wise, white-haired teacher who explained ancient poetry to us, a homemade meal, heads bowed in honest and open thanksgiving, faith in the very same God.

Some people might characterize my marriage as "interfaith" but we don't. My husband is Catholic and I am Protestant, although at this point, I consider myself sort of half Catholic, due to years of attending Mass and the fact that my husband, my spiritual other half, is Catholic. We both love Jesus and put God first in our hearts and pray every day for peace and perspective and guidance and trust. To me, an interfaith relationship means one between a Christian and a Jew, or a Jew and a Muslim. Not one between two Christians who are of two separate denominations.

There are differences in our faith but almost always, we have found that those differences have been beautiful things for our marriage. They push and pull us, they open up conversations and force us to dig deeper into our faith, to not take our beliefs for granted. My husband often has to explain a particular aspect of Catholicism to me and whenever you have to instruct someone else about anything, you must think a little harder and strive to find the right words to help them understand. I might say that in some ways, being married to a non-Catholic has made him a better Catholic!

We have all of the most important things in common between us and what is different, we choose to share with each other. Recently, my husband taught me to say the Hail Mary and I've found myself saying those serene words in moments when I need a feminine, motherly sort of peace and comfort. I've introduced my husband to the sermons of Tim Keller, the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian in New York City, and he finds them to be incredibly stimulating. We listen to them every week and some of the sermons we reference regularly--"Remember that Tim Keller sermon we listened to about prayer?"

The nuances between my faith and my husband's faith--I'm so grateful for those. His faith has brought me so much joy. I truly love the Catholic Mass and so many of the traditions and the fact that the Catholic Church believes in guiding its members through the very real trials of modern life. I love that the Church fights for the rights of babies in the womb and takes a stance on why sex is sacred and should exist only in marriage. And I think my husband would say that he's very glad for my faith too. That I've taught him and stretched him and opened him in new ways. We have expanded each other's faith, really.

I know how to say the Catholic grace before meals, now. I've said it hundreds of times with my husband and with his family and with Catholic friends of ours. It's a lovely little prayer and I really enjoy saying it and being a part of that tradition. But I hope that someday I might have the strength to pipe up and make up a prayer before dinner, not just when I'm with my husband because that has become easy for me but when I'm with other people, just like my friend did that day with our class. Whether the group is Catholic, or Protestant, or a mixture of both, we're all Christians. We worship the same God, we are saved by the same Savior on the Cross, we are blessed by the presence of the same Holy Spirit.

What Twentysomethings Should Have

You know the trendy list-centric journalistic formula that is everywhere? "37 Things About Kate Middleton You Didn't Know," or something along those lines. I think it's a little bit of a silly trend and I think most posts like this are actually meant to be silly and light-hearted and fun. Sometimes, though, I'll come across one of these list-type-articles and find that it has actually made me think.

This article, "20 Things Every Twentysomething Should Have," which was published in Relevant Magazine, is much more sincere than a lot of other pieces that follow this formula and I think it's really worth reading. Some of my favorite ideas:


A Constantly Growing Library
Yes! We have piles of books around the house and I have big plans for a library with built-ins someday.

A Pastor/Priest Who Knows You By Name
We're still working on this one. I think it is really important and I look forward to the day when we find a church that's right for us.

A Passport
My husband and I renewed our passports (mine with my married name) right after our wedding, mainly because we were tentatively planning to honeymoon in Rome. We chose Napa Valley instead but now our passports are ready to go for some other foreign adventure that has yet to be thought up! (And we actually needed them on our cruise to the Bahamas over Christmas.)

A 5-Year Plan
I've never been too big on making detailed 5-year, or 10-year plans, but I do have a pretty good sense of what I hope and pray my life will look like when I'm 30. I'm mainly just trying to take things one day at a time, to make good and healthy decisions, and to love and pray with all I've got. I think that living well in the present leads to a joyful future.

Subscriptions To A Few Quality Magazines
This is a good one. I know everything is online these days but it's thrilling and such a fun surprise to get a new issue in your mailbox every month. I subscribe to Verily and Cook's Illustrated.

A Hard Copy of A Bible
I have one that I grew up with but this Christmas, I gave my husband a really beautiful hard-cover Bible that is now officially our "Harvey Family Bible." I plan to write our children's names and birth dates in it and everything.


What do you think? Anything to add? I think I might have to add, "A very handsome husband who happily eats waffles with you on the piano bench because your table is occupied by a jigsaw puzzle."

Happy Thursday, friends.

Faith-Based Apps

Sometimes I feel a little badly about my dependence on my iPhone. I like to think I'm not as bad as I could be, that I'm not on my phone 24/7, that I don't use it obsessively. (I once wrote a post about how the iPhone has such a presence in modern dating--you know, when you look over at the table next to you and both the guy and the girl are furiously typing away, not making any eye contact?) When my husband and I got iPhones we set up some ground rules and we do our best to put our phones away when we're spending time together. I'm definitely the one who slips up more often than he does (Instagram is just too fun, and I've got a very cute, photogenic husband) but we both try hard not to be that couple that ignores each other on dinner dates.

But even if I'm not being rude to anyone by using my phone, even if I'm alone checking my email and texts, how much is too much? When my hand cramps up from too much scrolling up and down? (Has that never happened to you?) When my eyes become blurry from looking at a bright screen for too long? I wonder, how much is too much.

I've found something, though, that makes me feel a little better about my phone usage, something that lifts me up and makes me feel better in general: faith-based apps.

One that I've been enjoying is an Advent Devotions app which has some lovely daily readings and Bible verses. We've been lighting our Advent wreath each Sunday and saying a devotion and some prayers to go with it, but it's nice to be reminded of the real meaning behind this season on a more regular basis. The hope of Christmas is so renewing and wonderful, and clicking this app each day has been a great way for me to remember that and reflect on it.

The other one I've been loving is the Jesus Calling app (I have the free trial version, but will probably buy the full version because I like it so much). Several of these devotions in the last few days have made me tear up a little because the words just felt so relevant and meaningful to my own life and the things on my heart. This is a truly uplifting app and I'm glad to have discovered it.

Of course, it goes without saying that faith-based apps aren't a replacement for prayer. But it's amazing how a short little devotion or a powerful Bible verse can really make a difference in my mood and my mindset as I go about my day. By clicking on one of these apps instead of checking my email yet again, I feel like I'm doing something good for myself, and making my phone usage just a tad bit healthier.

What do you think? Am I crazy for feeling guilty about using my phone? Do you check any good-for-you apps throughout the day? I'd love to know.




Just a reminder that if you haven't entered my wood watch giveaway, you have until Sunday night to participate! Please make sure that you are following through with your Rafflecopter entry--you can get points for leaving a comment, following me on Instagram, and several other ways. I will be verifying entries when picking a winner!

Ambassadors For Marriage: Heather And Trevor

I'm so happy that Heather from Tickled Yellow agreed to be a part of my Ambassadors for Marriage series. Heather is a lovely writer, a super creative person, and she and her husband are really sweet and inspiring! It was fun to get her take on both the joys and struggles of marriage, and I hope you feel heartened by her responses as I do. Thank you, Heather, for being such a great ambassador for this wonderful thing called marriage!

Describe how you met your husband and how you felt as you got to know him.

Trevor and I met in high school, in the back rows of a crowded classroom. We became shy friends, kinda crushing on each other, but trying to play it cool. I fell hard for him, even writing in my journal that I was sure I would marry him one day. He headed off to college the next year, though, and I thought I'd never see him again. After I graduated, having nowhere else to really go, I made the last-minute decision to attend the same college (I like to tell people I was only partly stalking him.) We remained good friends throughout college, and I was still crazy about him. The stars must have aligned after college graduation, because we finally left the friend zone for good and started dating. We knew almost right away that we would get married.

When did you know he was the one you wanted to marry?

There were kind of a lot of moments when I knew (or hoped) that he was the one, even as a teenager. But the moment when I knew, without a doubt, was when he took me kayaking the summer after graduation and apologized for never asking me out before. And he said, "It's funny how things have a way of working themselves out, isn't it?" I thought, oh my gosh, this is so happening. We are totally getting married.

What has been the most rewarding part of your marriage so far?
People say that marriage is like a mirror, bringing out the good and bad of who you really are. It has been challenging, but incredibly rewarding, to find areas in which we need to grow and then encouraging each other in that growth and maturing process. I didn't realize how stubborn and selfish I was when we were first married, but I've been able to grow so much because of that "mirror" that is marriage. We encourage each other to become the best versions of ourselves, and it's the closest and most unique relationship I've ever had.

It's also nice being able to spend so much time together. While dating was fun, I love that marriage has made us "best buds." We can go grocery shopping together and have the best time.

What have you learned about your husband that you didn't know before you got married?
Trevor and I were friends for eight years before we got married, so I knew him pretty well when we got married. If I had to say what I've learned about him, though, it's that he is incredibly genuine. He was such a gentleman when we were dating, and that hasn't changed at all. He's also a really good dancer, which makes him a great wedding date! I also learned that he does not appreciate my John Denver CDs, but he's learned to pick his battles (who doesn't love "Sunshine on My Shoulders?").

How would you describe "the ideal wife," the one you strive always to become?
When we were first married, I had this grand image of what the ideal wife looked like: she was a perfect cook, kept the house in perfect order, was a charming hostess. And I would get so frustrated at myself when I didn't live up to these standards. I finally realized that he loves me for who I am (and, to be fair, he knew I was a horrible cook long before we got married!). Being the most loving wife I can be means connecting with God every day and realizing that, first and foremost, my worth comes from him. I can't love Trevor well without loving God first.

How do you face challenges in marriage? What are your strategies for overcoming the inevitable hard moments or hard days?
The best thing, for me, is to remember that our marriage is constantly evolving, full of seasons and ebbs and flows. When we were first married, I would get so anxious every time we had a fight: what does this mean? Am I a horrible wife? Were we even meant to be together in the first place? I had to learn to not be so dramatic and just shrug things off. Bad days, boring days, great days--they're all a part of life.

We've only been married two years, but it seems like we only learn more and more about each other as time goes on--what irritates the other person, what not to say, things like that. It's gotten so much easier now that we have a better understanding of each other's personalities.

What lessons have you learned throughout your journey to becoming husband and wife?
We've learned that we are so much better together than apart. My relationship with him teaches me so much about my relationship with God, about selflessness and faithfulness. We've learned that, contrary to what so many people say, marriage only keeps getting better. I wouldn't trade our relationship now for what it was two years ago. There's something so unique about growing together as a couple--in our faith, in our love for each other, in our tastes and hobbies and interests. I've taught him how to ride a unicycle, for example, and he's taught me how to appreciate (or at least tolerate) Asian food.

How do you feel about “young” marriage?
We were pretty young when he proposed. I was 21 and he was 23. To be honest, I was scared to death about getting married so young (and to my very first boyfriend, no less). Even total strangers thought I was crazy. But looking back, it was the best decision I've ever made. Marriage isn't always easy, but it is so much fun. For us, marrying young meant that we were freeing ourselves from a lot of temptation and were able to start our lives together even sooner. It was a win-win for us. It's a decision that is different for everyone, but the timing was just right for us.





Thank you for sharing your heart, Heather!



For more of Heather's thoughts and writings, visit her blog, Tickled Yellow.

That One Summer

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship/engagement/marriage for a total of five years. Looking back, that seems crazy! We were young when we met and we both were pursuing important and interesting things during those years, and that time apart really did make us closer. Nevertheless, it wasn't easy.

But during the summer of 2009, we had a slight reprieve from the aching longing and missing that we had gotten so used to. Our lives overlapped and we spent a blissful summer together in New York! I had an internship at a publishing house in Hoboken, New Jersey, and my husband was working in Jersey City in the financial district. I was staying in NYU housing on the Lower East Side and his apartment was across the river in New Jersey, so we still had to travel to see each other, but I can't explain how lovely it was to live in the same area for a few months. We really made the most of it.

We met in the park outside my office building for lunch on most days, where we had glorious views of the Hudson River and the West side of Manhattan. We had tons of picnics and went bike riding and saw outdoor movies. We went to a Mets game one night, visited museums, and my husband took me out on the town for my 21st birthday. It was all so much fun.

I was just reminiscing and going through some of my photos from that summer and thought I'd share a few. It's amazing to remember how giddy I was all summer long, and how wonderful it is that now this man is my husband and I get to see him every day! I sure am blessed.

Hanging out in Central Park.

Being silly at the Met.

Sitting on a park bench together after work. I like this one because I remember that I had something else going on that night, so we met at a bench just to say hi and talk for a few minutes. We couldn't get enough of each other.

We went out to the beach on Long Island one weekend!

Reading the paper and drinking coffee in the park. I remember feeling like such a city gal!

A bike ride down to lower Manhattan.

Dinner in Hoboken.

This was taken near Madison Square Park, where we spent a lot of time together.

That one summer really gave us strength, and fuel to keep going, and gave us a glimpse of what our lives would one day become. If you've ever been in a long distance relationship, I'm sure you can understand just how precious and restorative a few months together in the same city can be!

A Conflict Of The Soul

I read a fantastic article yesterday in First Things, a magazine I love for its serious thought mixed with compassion. The piece is called "No Happy Harmony: Career and Motherhood Will Always Tragically Conflict," and it struck me as the first essay I've read on this "Having It All" debate that was truly wise, appropriately thoughtful, and fully honest.

You see, in this piece, Elizabeth Corey kept the heart at its center.

The article is long and complex, full of interesting things and very much worth reading, but I want to focus on one main point she makes. And this is it: the conflict that modern women face, the conflict between work and children, is not an external conflict. It's not a conflict that can be fixed by our society, a conflict whose solution rests in electing our first female president or making sure 50% of our nation's CEOs are women. Hope for fixing the problem doesn't reside in more flexible offices or in more understanding bosses or in new social policies.

The work and motherhood balance cannot be solved externally because it is an internal conflict. As Corey puts it, it is a "conflict in the soul." She writes, "We cannot come to terms with the difficulties women face in the present day until we consider the way in which we feel the competing inclinations in our own souls."

In all of the pieces and opinions I've read on this same topic, the struggle has never been framed in this way. "There is a solution for everything, they imply; we just haven't found it yet." This is how Sheryl Sandberg writes about work and motherhood, how Anne-Marie Slaughter writes about it, how we mostly read about it. I admire these women for their optimism in believing there is a real cure, a total fix, a tidy answer for women who want both families and careers (even if we haven't found it yet).

But perhaps Corey's realistic but heartfelt approach is the better one. What if we really believed, as Corey does, that "this conflict in the soul does not go away," that society can't fix it for us, and what if we adopted this honest perspective in an effort to make the best decisions we can possibly make in a world that, admittedly, isn't fair?

"Modern women are right to think that both the pursuit of excellence and the desire to care for others are part of a fully flourishing life. Excellence in a particular field requires persistence, self-confidence, drive, courage, and initiative. These are eminently admirable qualities. On the other hand, serving or loving another requires the even more admirable qualities of attention, focus, care, patience, and self-sacrifice. The accent we place on them, and the way we put them into practice, is a matter for all of us to figure out for ourselves."

Facing our hearts to find our answers is the most brave thing we can do. It's so much easier and simpler to decide that our struggle over work and family is a result of the mixed-up society we live in and leave it at that. It's much harder, and takes more strength, to see this struggle as something that exists within us, that it is tied up in the very fabric of our beings, and that only a glimpse into our own souls will guide us to the path that is most right.

Kindred Spirits

I don't think I could have found a more perfect quote for this post today, and from one of my favorite childhood books, too. It's not profound, but it sure does resonate. It couldn't be more true for me.

I think some people find their kindred spirits easily. They have a knack for seeking out people they click with, people who share their values and sensibilities. I've known people like this, and I've always been in awe of their ability to pick friends who truly "get" them, friends who share their most treasured dreams and wishes and hopes.

It's always been harder for me. Of course, I dearly love my friends who are very different than me (which is most of them). There are wonderful things to be learned from people who were raised differently, who have different beliefs, who have different life plans. But we need kindred spirits in our lives. We need to feel that we are not alone in our deepest wishes, in our closely-held ideas on how to live and how to be. We need to feel that we are not alone in our insecurities and fears and in those things that we are afraid to hope for, lest they ever move out of our reach. We need to feel that we are not alone in our sense of right and wrong. We need to feel that there are others like us.

This little blog of mine has opened me up to a world of kindred spirits. I have found other pianists and teachers. I've found people who express themselves best in words. I've found mothers and mothers-to-be who view raising children as the greatest gift and the most important job they'll ever do. I've found the most dedicated wives, and women who sacrifice for their families. I've found Christians who inspire me and challenge me to live my faith.

I had the joy last week of meeting one of my favorite bloggers and loyal readers. She happens to also be the mother of some of our best college friends, but I've mostly gotten to know her through her writing. Her blog, String of Pearls, is just lovely, and she also published a beautiful novel last year called Finding Grace. I had a suspicion, after reading her blog for a year, that Mrs. Pearl and I were kindred spirits, and now I'm sure we are. We had the most delightful time chatting about life, blogging, the similarities in our personalities (we're introverts, we love to write, we adore our families), books, and everything in between. It was so much fun to turn a blogger-friendship into a real-life one!

Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world. 

It is splendid indeed. Thank you, Mrs. Pearl, for such a lovely evening. And thank you to all of my blog friends and kindred spirits--I hope to meet you all in person one day.

It's interesting the way life works. I have had to expand my world and open myself up to vulnerability through my writing in order to really begin to find my kindred spirits. And while this doesn't at all change how I feel about the beautiful friendships I made before I began blogging, it certainly has made my life richer. And I'm so very thankful.

I Admire Him

My husband navigating us to a winery on our Napa honeymoon. Among many other things, I admire how this man knows his way around a map.

Today we've been married for exactly one year and eight months. I didn't actually plan this post to line up on the 30th, but it's nice that it did! In 20 months, my love for my husband has filled me and overwhelmed me and grown as sure and steady as the days go by. It's been wonderful and we've learned a lot and not all of it has been easy, but we continue to come out on the other side of the hard days with more love than we had before. 

But this isn't exactly what I want to write about today. I want to write about how in 20 months of marriage, there has grown in my heart a feeling about my husband that is wound up in my love but is also set apart and exists in me in its own right. That feeling is admiration.

Some of you might think that's rather an obvious thing to say. Of course you admire your own husband! You're proud of him, and want to show him off, and know he's just the best! But if you think about it, we rarely use this word to describe the people closest to us. We say we love them. We say we're proud of them. But we often save our admiration, or at least the word itself, for people we don't actually know. We tend to admire public personalities, people we consider to be role models, a person whose life we would like to emulate in some way.

And I think the reason for this is because admiration is tied up with awe. Mystery. Something intangible that makes us feel a certain person is special and worthy of our praise. I admire Kate Middleton because she is impossibly beautiful and feminine, immeasurably dignified and elegant (can you feel the admiration coming through the screen?). Of course I know she has flaws like the rest of us, but I don't know about them. Her flaws are a mystery and her attributes well-known, and I look up to her for her beauty and grace.

I think we often stop admiring, or forget to admire, the people closest to us because they are familiar. There's less and less mystery surrounding them as the years go on. We share everything with them and they with us, and we begin to know their minds perhaps even more intimately than our own. We are vulnerable with our husbands, just as they are vulnerable with us. The comfortableness of marriage, which is such a wonderful part of being husband and wife, might be the very thing that can make you forget your admiration.

I've been aware of this trap that is all too easy to fall into, and I'm thankful to be able to say that the admiration I have for my husband is alive and well. We, and my husband specifically, have been tested in extraordinary ways over the past year or so. I haven't shared much about why we're here in Alabama, how our plans have changed in dramatic ways, or the struggles we've faced, but I will say that it's been really difficult. We're at a point where we finally feel like we're coming out on the other end--and while aspects of our life-plan now look pretty different than they did a year ago, we couldn't be happier about how things are shaping up. Turns out that trusting in God's plan really is the best way to live.

In all of this--the stress and anxiety, the good news and bad, the acceptance and moving forward--I have admired my husband and the humility and grace with which he has handled things. Of course I feel love for him when he calms my fears and presents the positive way to look at things and just overall encourages and lifts me. But my heart brims with admiration, something a little different than love, when he sits across from me at dinner and calmly and excitedly talks about this new future we're making for ourselves, and how it will allow for the most important things in life to be at the forefront. I admire him in a way I can't describe when he tells me that he trusts that this is the path we are meant to be on. That God knows what he's doing. That even though he's had to give up one dream, there is another one swiftly filling its place, and I am in awe of his faith.

I think that losing a sense of admiration for our spouses, or even just forgetting to acknowledge that what we're feeling is admiration, is something we should adamantly try to avoid. Tell your husband you love him. Kiss him and say that you're so proud of all that he does. Hold his hands and tell him why there's no one in the world you admire more than him. 

A High Calling

Auguste Reading To Her Daughter by Mary Cassatt

One day in college, I was talking with a friend of mine about our futures and values and dreams for what was to come after graduation. She confided in me that certain members of her family didn't understand why she was attending a very good, challenging, impressive university since they knew that she planned to eventually forgo a traditional career in favor of staying home to raise her children. The idea was that my friend didn't "need" to go to our school in order to pursue stay-at-home motherhood, so why was she there?

When my friend told me this, I remember being shocked that someone (I can't remember if it was a parent, or an uncle, or a grandparent) had actually expressed such a thing to her. That whoever it was thought that either she should be "using" her impressive degree to establish a lifelong career for herself, or that she should have gone to a cheaper, less demanding, less rigorous school if her ultimate dream was indeed to be a stay-at-home mother.

I also remember feeling supremely grateful that no one had ever said such a thing to me.

I was reminded of this encounter when I read a beautiful, calm, well-thought-out article that appeared in the latest issue of Verily. It's a lovely response to the exact attitude that my friend was dealing with in her own life, an attitude that I'm learning isn't one that's just expressed privately, behind closed doors, inside the borders of one's own family. Author Anne-Marie Maginnis begins her piece by citing another article that recently appeared in The Guardian called, "Female Ivy League graduates have a duty to stay in the workforce."

If that title alone isn't racy enough for you, here's a taste of what author Keli Goff's article is like:


Perhaps instead of bickering over whether or not colleges and universities should ask us to check boxes declaring our racial identity, the next frontier of the admissions should revolve around asking people to declare what they actually plan to do with their degrees. There's nothing wrong with someone saying that her dream is to become a full-time mother by 30. That is an admirable goal. What is not admirable is for her to take a slot at Yale Law School that could have gone to a young woman whose dream is to be in the Senate by age 40 and in the White House by age 50.


I'm trying not to get my feathers ruffled as I type this, but truly, if this isn't downright backwards I don't know what is. Here is Maginnis' thoughtful response:


This type of thinking is regressive for women for many reasons...This perspective completely disregards the inherent worthiness of educating a human mind to know the world, to think independently, to judge accurately, and to live confidently. For these reasons alone, an elite education should be available to the best and brightest minds. To concede Goff's point would be to reverse hundreds of years of progress in women's rights.


Maginnis goes on at the end of the piece to describe how valuable and meaningful her education has been in her life--as a woman, as an intelligent, creative person, and as a mother.

My point is, when a highly educated woman is home with her children day in and day out, she weaves the riches of her education into their lives in continuous, subtle, living ways. This is a priceless preparation for a lifetime of learning. This gift is the transmission of culture.

Having received the wonderful gift of an elite education, I didn’t leave it behind. I carry it with me in who I am today. It enriches my life in ways that no salary can measure. It is worthwhile in a way no measure of productivity is needed to justify. Passing on this education to my daughter, a human being whose worth I know intimately, I see even more clearly that broadening a girl’s mind, filling it with beauty, is never, to quote Goff, “a wasted opportunity.”

We call the schools from which we graduate “alma mater,” nourishing mother, and I have always been grateful to Princeton for being just that. Now that I am a mother myself, however, and as I nourish the bodies and minds of my own children, I find yet deeper meaning in those words.

Maginnis makes such a beautiful point. Who is anyone to say that women who stay out of the workforce to nurture their children have no right to an elite education? Who is anyone to say that an impressive degree is best used as a stepping stone to the Senate or the White House? Learning and knowledge are inherently good. Maginnis' lovely closing paragraphs are such a testament to just how high a calling motherhood is, a testament to the power of a mother's heart and mind in helping to shape new, young lives.

I can't imagine a more fruitful use of her Princeton degree.

Ambassadors For Marriage: Leah and Landon

Today, I'm continuing my Ambassadors for Marriage series with another fantastic guest post (you can read the first guest post in this series here). I found Leah's blog when I first started blogging, months ago, and I admire very much her honest, faith-driven, and inspiring way of writing about her marriage and her little family. She's a loyal reader of Something Ivory, too, and I'm thrilled she's here today to share her story! I think you'll enjoy it very much. 

Describe how you met your husband and how you felt as you got to know him.

The first time I ever met Landon was when we were both 17 and my dad was interviewing to be the pastor at the church Landon's family attended. Both our families were at a small dinner party to get to know people from the church, and he obviously didn't want to be there. :) I remember seeing this hoodie-wearing boy slumped against the wall, and not really noticing him beyond that. Fast forward a year or so, and you would find two young teens in youth group together flirting, writing notes to each other, and hanging out a lot. I realized as I got to know Landon more, that I was becoming more drawn to him, and every time I saw him I would get butterflies in my stomach.

When did you know he was the one you wanted to marry?

When we were getting very serious about each other, I remember a situation, I think it was the summer before I left for college. Something outside our relationship upset me terribly, and I went over to his house and basically ran into his arms sobbing. He immediately took me by the waist and walked me out to the woods where he just held me and told me things would be ok. I think that may have been when I realized this was the man I wanted to share my hurts and fears with, the one who I could trust, and the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

What has been the most rewarding part of your marriage so far?

A few months ago, Landon and I decided to pursue marriage counseling. Some friends of ours had done it, and it was encouraging to hear their story. On top of having a baby who changed the dynamics of our relationship, we had some communication issues that were wearing down on our marriage and we wanted to take care of things before years went by. Honestly, these last few months have been the hardest yet most rewarding season of our marriage so far. We have grown incredibly closer, we talk more intentionally than ever, and we value our relationship so much more than before. I never realized how much I could love this man. Marriage takes work, but the work produces beautiful results.

What have you learned about your husband that you didn't know before you got married?

I had always figured Landon would be a good dad, but I have been blown away with how amazing of a father he is to Finn. Nothing has put him off...the diapers, the sleepless nights, the birth. He readily steps up and helps me with Finn and he is so loving and tender. I love watching them interact.

Has anything about marriage surprised you?

So far, nothing has really surprised me. Is that bad? :) I will say that we have to be very intentional about our relationship and continue to pursue each other. I think it's easy to settle into a routine way of doing things, so we try to mix things up every now and then. Little change-ups can make a huge difference for us.

How would you describe "the ideal wife," the one you strive always to become?

Marriage is made up of unique people, and every marriage is different. Specifically in our marriage, we don't have defined roles based on gender or cultural influences. We are an equal team making decisions together and seeking to put each other's needs above our own. With that in mind, my aim as Landon's wife is to put God at the center of our relationship, to love Landon unconditionally, to help him selflessly, to lead him in the areas I am more qualified to lead, to follow him in the areas where he is more qualified to lead, to trust him enough to share my dreams and fears, to be vulnerable and open, to lift him up in prayer, to play with him and enjoy life together, to forgive him readily, and to encourage him daily.

How do you face challenges in marriage? What are your strategies for overcoming the inevitable hard moments or hard days?

More recently, we have learned to just communicate more. It seems backwards (and it's so hard) for two introverts to talk struggles out, but that is what we are learning is the best choice. Landon has learned to give me a moment to cool off when I am mad, but then comes and asks me to talk it out. I am learning to take a moment to cool off before saying something in anger, and then making myself talk out my frustrations to Landon instead of sweeping things under the rug. Even when Landon is at work and I am home, I will send Landon a text saying "I am so frustrated!" And he will say "I'm sorry babe, lets sit down tonight and talk about it, I want to hear about it." Also, we aim to be completely honest with each other, and doing that helps us avoid a lot of conflicts.

Have you started any family traditions as a couple?

We dabbled around the first year or two of marriage trying to force some to happen I think. I love traditions, but I want them to happen organically. So far, we only have a few consistent traditions.  We usually get a Christmas tree that is four feet high or less.  We have our own Christmas family dinner a few days before the 25th since we are always home at for the holidays. We have "our song," Northern Lights, by the Bowerbirds, and we frequent a local coffeehouse, The Hearthstone, each week together.

Thank you so much, Leah, for sharing your heart with us today! 

For more of Leah's thoughts, pay a visit to her blog, The Rife Observatory.

(Photo credit)

A Simple Reflection

Image Source

I've always been a big planner--to a fault. I'm really and truly trying to get better about this, but I tend to become upset when plans change at the last minute, or I'm unable to actually make a solid plan due to things outside of my control. But let me tell you--the Army is really helping me to work on this particular trait of mine. I find myself letting go a little bit more every day.

There are some areas, though, where I think my innate drive to plan and prepare comes in handy. For years, I've known that part of my future as a pianist would include private teaching in my home, and someday I really hope to have an established studio, with ten or fifteen (perhaps more) strong students. I've always been so thankful for the glorious, built-in side effect of this business--I will be working from home. On my own piano, in my own space, a room or two away from my family. A dream for this future mother who has never wanted anything but to stay home and raise her children.

Now, you may think this is silly but it only just recently occurred to me (and really set in) that most of my teaching will be happening in the afternoons and early evenings. I suppose for years, I was mostly focused on the fact that I have this skill and this trade that will allow me to stay home with my children and continue to do my work as a musician, and I didn't think too hard about the details. But what I'm realizing is that my lessons will have to revolve around the school-day hours and the work-day hours (because I teach adults too). This has made me think about how things will work when we have children--when they are small, I think it may actually be easier because I can schedule my lessons during the evenings when my husband is home to watch them. It's as they get older and begin to go to school themselves that it becomes more tricky. If they're at school all day, and I'm teaching after-school lessons, that cuts into my time to be with my children when they're home. And what about dinner? There will certainly be some balancing to do. I suppose one solution is to choose just a few days a week to teach during the afternoons, or I could stick to teaching half-day kindergarteners and homeschoolers?  (Only kidding! A piano teacher can't be so choosy!)

One thing I do know is that the planning gene I mentioned above, that will be useful. I'm already beginning to put it into effect, pre-children and pre-established studio. I currently teach two afternoon/evenings a week and I've gotten quite creative with preparing parts of dinner in advance, so that it comes together quickly and easily when I'm done with my lessons. The other day I made shredded chicken thighs following this recipe in the early afternoon, then popped them into the fridge. It was so easy to take the shredded chicken out later, give them a quick microwave and put them on tortillas topped with shredded red cabbage, jalapeno and banana peppers, sour cream, and tomatoes. Fresh, healthy, easy tacos, and totally stress-free.

I fully trust that things will work out just as they are supposed to as our lives become filled with little ones. There will be balancing, planning (but not too much!), and plenty of "winging it" here and there too. I remember my high school piano teacher, whose children were full-grown, having to run out of a lesson occasionally to take a roast out of the oven for her and her husband's dinner. I think life always requires a bit of juggling, no matter what phase we're in, no matter how carefully we plan.

I'd love to hear your reflections on your future. Do you plan or embrace spontaneity? How do you envision your own special balancing act?

Revealing Our Dignity

A good friend of mine recently sent me this video because she knew it would resonate with me, and she also thought it fit in with the sorts of things I like to write about on Something Ivory. She was so right.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about one-piece bathing suits--why I think they are feminine and beautiful and more flattering than two-pieces. In this video, Jessica Rey talks about the history behind the bikini,  the reaction it initially received, and most importantly, how it makes men think and feel and respond (based on a fascinating study that she references). The case she makes it that when we put on a bikini, we are inviting and attracting the wrong kind of attention, that we are eliciting a response that isn't healthy. And it's our responsibility as women to dress in ways that demand respect.

Her talk is not just about saying "no"--it's about reaching unabashedly for something that is beautiful and dignifying. It's about choosing to dress ourselves modestly on the beach, and treating ourselves with respect in the process. Rey actually designs her own swimsuits (which are retro and fun) because she believes so fervently that the way we're currently doing this isn't right.

Here's my favorite quote from her talk:

"Modesty isn't about covering up our bodies because they're bad, modesy isn't about hiding ourselves--it's about revealing our dignity. We were made beautiful, in His image and likeness."

If you have a few minutes, I encourage you to take a look.

More Of Who You Are

The first issue of Verily arrived in the mail a few days ago! It was a wonderful early birthday gift, and I've slowly been working my way through the articles, savoring the gorgeous watercolor illustrations and feeling the beautiful paper the magazine is printed on. I know I've sung Verily's praises before on my blog, but I couldn't help but write a quick post about it again today. As I've been reading through it, it seems as if this issue was made just for me, and I bet there are many other women out there thinking the same thing. After all, Verily's motto is "Less of who you should be, more of who you are."

There was a beautifully photographed segment on loose teas. A gorgeous photo-shoot of two women wearing flattering one-piece bathing suits on the beach. A section on arranging your own flowers in unique vessels.

A recipe for lavender honey chicken. A piece (by a fellow ND alum) on the dangers of poring over wedding magazines in all of their unrealistic perfectionism. Really fantastic relationship wisdom on how to make your marriage last. An article on natural-looking makeup, a tip to not show too much skin when dressing up for a date.

Needless to say, I love this magazine, and want to get a subscription for every woman I know! I'm already thinking of who I will pass this issue on to when I'm done.

One-Piece Bathing Beauties

I stumbled upon a fantastic collection of vintage beach photos (called "Before the Bikini") and had so much fun looking through them. Aren't these women glamorous and gorgeous? I just love the look of so many of these vintage bathing suits, and they got me thinking.

You see, I'm over my bikini days. I still have most of my old bikinis, and I do wear them sometimes--like when I'm reading by the pool in my neighborhood. But for swimming, or going to the beach with family and friends, I've discovered the beauty of the one-piece. I don't know if I'll ever really go back. 

And it's not because I have anything to hide--at the risk of coming across the wrong way, I'm actually quite happy with my body (hey, if you don't love your body at 25, when will you love it?). I've simply found that one-pieces are so flattering, so feminine, and most importantly, they leave more to the imagination. They're mysterious and retro, and in this "bare it all" culture of ours, I think erring on the side of not baring all is a brave and beautiful choice.

And lest you think that modesty is not sexy--believe me, it is. First of all, look at all of these women from the 30s, 40s, and 50s. They're absolutely stunning! My husband has also told me that he prefers my one-piece suits to my two-piece suits. He thinks they're becoming and feminine. And there are so many interesting and flattering options these days for one-pieces (I think they're coming back into fashion--yes!). A few years ago, my mom and I found a beautiful black, ruched suit with ultra-thin straps. I still love it. A few days ago I added this inexpensive Target suit to my collection. And I'm pining after this lovely (total splurge) one-piece from Anthropologie.

(I know this isn't a one-piece, but it may as well be, right?)

I would love to hear what all of you think about this. Do you wear one-pieces? Would you? If you haven't worn anything but bikinis in years, I encourage you to at least try on a one-piece. You might be surprised at how beautiful you feel in it.


(Images Source)